Monday, October 06, 2008
she sits alone by a lamppost
So the auto body shop called and said they can't fix the car for what the insurance company budgeted 'cause the fucking parts just aren't available for the prices the insurance company quoted
and they can fix it so it runs safely but it won't be 'pretty,' in which case we'll have a car, or they can assess the real cost, in which case the insurance company will total the car out and give us a check for about $1500, minus our 20% 'cause the rugrat didn't drive into the gutter and over the fucking curb to avoid the fucking asshole that rammed into her.
Oh, and the only way they'll do the work is for cash only, which means I have to cash the insurance check (if I ever get it) and pay them cash and also give them my 20% in cash, which is fine really since I don't have enough open on any of my credit cards anyway.
But since I don't have any cash on hand 'cause I have to make my payments on those credit cards to avoid late charges, even though I've actually closed most of them so that I can learn to be credit independent, but I still have to make payments dammit,
so I'm selling my good ikea furniture on craig's list and getting crappy cheap shit with my target card for way less than I'm selling my good ikea stuff for so that I will have cash for the fucking car and still have furniture, and it isn't so much that I'm getting crappy cheap target shit that kills me, but more that I have to pull this kind of financial round robin when I should be able to afford something like this without playing games.
Someone came and bought my entertainment stand for $50 last night, and the idiot came in a sedan, despite my posting the dimensions of the thing on craig's, and when it wouldn't fit in his car, as I knew it wouldn't, we sat outside in the damp cold dark at 8 o'clock at night taking it apart so it would fit in his car, and I've had the chills ever since, can't get warm, and I got a tv stand at target online for $20 and free delivery, so I made $30 on the deal for the car.
Did I mention that I'm tired of health issues, I used to be healthy, and like two years ago my body just fell apart, failed me, and I seem to have passed some point of no return in which I can't get well no matter how positive I try to stay, and it's harder and harder to stay positive now that I can't even take the hormones for the big M mood swings 'cause of the fucking blood clot.
My asthma has been bad for weeks now, and I'm about out of both inhalers, but I can't get the ones I have renewed 'cause they weren't on the generic list and one of them was $37, which I don't have right now, and if I make a trip to the doc to get cheaper prescriptions, it'll cost me in office copays, and I'd be running around to the doc and the pharmacy...you guessed it...without a fucking car, mixing the bus and miles of walking.
I had some bloodwork done last Monday, and I always use my left arm for needles since the clot in my right arm, and my left arm has been hurting ever since the blood draw, and the pain has moved up into the muscle of my upper arm, just like it did before, and I can't tell if I just have a sore muscle or another fucking dvt. I cannot go to the fucking hospital right now, I just can't. And I think if I had to go back on the anticoagulant I'd lose it completely and they'd have to lock me in a padded room to protect me from me, and dudes, I am scared shitless right now.
Today my hands have been shaking and my heart speeding and pounding like it did when I was 17 and a speed freak. You know, street speed, cross top, the kind that came 20 hits for $5 that we called nicklebags, and that I would take over the course of the first day, fly for two more days, and then crash for the last two days of the week. So I'm all shaky like the first days of the high, yet at the same time exhausted and brain dead like the last days, and the base of my skull has been pounding for days and nothing less than 6 ibuprofen will numb the pain, and of course that puts me to sleep, so I can only get relief when I go to bed.
And then there is the student who I am quite sure has paranoid personality disorder or schizophrenia, paranoid, and has admitted to another concerned student that they are not taking their prescribed meds, and the other concerned student came to me today to tell me the PPD student said she/he knew I was 'after' him/her and the concerned student is scared that the PPD student might just lose it at school and that I might be a target, not because he/she made any specific threats but because of the way he/she acted, and of course I'm telling the right people, but really, we have minimal security and students're gonna do what they're gonna do.
And on the way home I was so exhausted and disheartened that I could barely hold it in, and then the girl sitting in the seat in front of me laid her head on her someone's shoulder and all I could think was who does she think she is to have someone, and flaunt it in front of me when I'm all alone and I wanted to kick the seat or spill something on her, but then he got up and got off at a stop before her while she stayed on the train so I laughed inside 'cause at least she was going home alone tonight just like me.
And yet I get up every fucking morning and paste a smile on my face as soon as the front door shuts behind me and I go through all the right motions and say all the right things so that no one knows that I'm going through shit and have no one to talk to, 'cause all they see is the professional who always has a laugh and a joke and behaves appropriately to the situation and never lets them see me sweat. Or cry.
And I actually keep those sad feelings at bay and enjoy most of what I do and even got told by a visitor in the class tonight that I rocked as a teacher and they wish they'd had a teacher like me and damn, that's what makes it all worthwhile, that's why I do what I do and keep that fucking smile on my face, and I'm great until I'm alone again.
And then I'm alone on the ride home and it all comes washing over me all over again, but somehow I manage to hold it all in 'til I get home and shut the door and lock myself in, cold and alone, for the night.
hootie, let her cry:
(photo mine, taken in quito, ecuador, 2000; this is how rural people protect their gardens from animals and humans)