Saturday, October 11, 2008

nobody gets out of life alive

The craziness is still there.

Oh, I managed to get lots of papers graded, and meeting minutes typed up and emailed out. I even spent a few hours doing a literature search for the new lit review on the MFD. Wound up with two dozen good articles. I even set a goal of reading and summarizing three articles per week. Whether that happens or not is anyone's guess.

But most of that was accomplished simply because classes weren't held during the Jewish holidays, so I didn't have class prep. And still, I brought 38 papers home to grade over the three-day weekend. Not to mention things being out of control in the other committee I'm on.

And to top it off, I fucked up with the bills and paid two credit card payments two days late this week. I never do that, 'cause the resulting fees are so bad. And now is not the time to be screwing with my credit score, not when I want to move into the city and they do credit checks.

I feel like each week, I'm walking through the center of a tornado. Everything I'm supposed to keep in the air whirls around and around and half the time when I reach for it -- it's sucked right up through the vortex and is lost forever. And if I don't hang on to something solid, I'm afraid I'll get sucked right up that vortex along with everything I'm supposed to be juggling.

By the weekend, I'm a mental wreck. I wind up locking myself in the apartment, not showering, laying in front of the tv, snacking, and napping all day, just to build enough strength to get through the coming week. I'm finding myself doubting sometimes if I made the right choice with this job, and with next summer's move. It's all so damned overwhelming, I keep wondering if this is the way it's going to be for the next 20 years.

And we still don't have a car.

And the toaster broke today.

But I have to end on a positive note or I'll go postal. Rugrat one actually returned my happy bd phone call with a text message, and my email with one of his own. I must have raised him well somehow...he and his wife are building their own home, can you believe it. And building a 'mother-in-law' apartment for me, for when I retire. Of course that would mean leaving the city and going back to Washington -- but what a kid, to think of me, and what a wife to support something like that.

I miss that kid so damned much sometimes. As I get older, I remember more and more things from when he was a kid. Not having him close, and neither of us being the world's greatest communicators, leaves me with no one to share those moments with when they come to my mind. It was just him and I for so long, after all -- there's no one else in the world who shared those early moments with us.

I keep wanting to write them all down, but it becomes one of those many things swirling around and around me in that tornado. I'm afraid if I reach for it, it will get sucked up into the vortex with everything else, and be lost forever.

Simply Red:

photo mine, taken near the wtc site

(title -- quote from movie Hud)

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