Wednesday, July 09, 2008

behind blue eyes

Or aquamarine eyes, as DominaDelight (she was on another site) used to say.

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

I confess.

I deal with a high stress moment -- such as a major life-changing exam -- in the most dysfunctional way.

I deal with it by eating. To the tune of about five pounds in the last two weeks.

And I deal with it by pretending the moment isn't imminent, that it won't happen, and therefore I don't have to prepare for it at all...until the very last minute.

And then somehow I pull a trick, a last-minute miracle like those you see on the telly. And I make it successfully through the moment, pass the exam, survive another day, making it all look rather easy.

Unfortunately, this time I won't be pulling a miracle out of my ass at the final hour. I haven't studied for the licensing exam sufficiently. I took a practice exam weeks ago before studying at all and got 50%. I took a second practice exam yesterday afternoon, and still only got 50%. Did I mention I need 75% to pass?

I have been studying nonstop since Monday morning, and will continue until late tonight, when I'll take the third practice test. Then I'll take the actual test tomorrow.

I can't reschedule if I'm not ready -- it doesn't work that way. Not taking the test once it's scheduled is considered a forfeiture, and I would need to get permission from the board that governs the test, and pay another $175 big ones, to reschedule.

And since it is highly unlikely that I will pass tomorrow (and I can't take it again for 90 days), I won't move from instructor to assistant professor status in time for fall semester, which means I won't be eligible for that release time that was approved based on my promise that I would be eligible by fall. And it'll look really good for a non-tenured faculty person to fuck up that badly. NOT.

I am hoping it won't affect my income in the fall, being short a course. I can always pick up an extra course in the spring, since salary is based on an annual credit load rather than a semester load (although I'll go loony with the additional teaching load). But there's no escaping the bad karma this will bring to my bid for eventual tenure.

Don't bother wishing me luck.

'Cause I have no one to blame but me.

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