I won't be graduating this summer. It'll take me the summer just to do the re-writes to the proposal.
It was brutal.
I mean, not in a we're deliberately fucking with you kind of way, but certainly in a you weren't anywhere near ready to defend so what were you thinking kind of way. Which was pretty publicly humiliating. And I don't do public humiliation well.
The concerns were legit enough; what I had simply wasn't publishable, which is pretty much a requirement of a diss these days. It was just the way it was done that sucked monkey balls.
The chair apologized after it was all over and we were alone. Said she never would have scheduled the defense if she'd known someone on the committee had concerns. Said she would have pushed the other member to get back to me sooner if she'd known there were concerns.
I mean, the woman had my proposal in late January. She had plenty of time to have shared her concerns and I'd have had plenty of time to address those concerns over the last two months. She sat on the damned thing for more than two months. And she didn't even tell the chair till last Friday afternoon, let alone not telling me until Friday evening. I think the chair felt as blind-sided as I did.
Too late now.
Somehow I have to get past this blow to my self-esteem. I've always tended to think I wasn't one of them (meaning an academician). I've never been quite the intellectual that most phd's I've encountered are. Felt as though I were on the outside looking in.
And I always had self-doubts about whether I could finish this dissertation process. So this has really been a blow that I have to climb back up from. I sort of feel like crying, but I'm still kind of numb inside. I imagine the tears will come in the next day or two, as it all sinks in.
Is it the end of the world? Of course not. But it's a pretty fucking big ripple in my little end of the pond.