Wednesday, March 05, 2008

waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me


Have I mentioned how often I wish that I had someone to tell all this stuff to so I didn’t have to write it all out and stick it online in the hopes that it reaches someone, somewhere in the darkest recesses of cyberspace therefore proving that I’m not really alone in this vast, cold, dark universe.

But then maybe I was meant to be alone and lonely so that I would be forced to put my thoughts into words because maybe fate means for my kids to find all this stuff sometime after I’m dead and gone and have it all published posthumously and it funds everything they ever wanted in their lives that I couldn’t do for them when I was alive. And then everyone says how lucky it was that I was alone and lonely and forced to put it all down in the fucking computer void because otherwise they wouldn’t have had the chance to read such deeply profound shit.

Yeah, I know. Sometimes I’m so full of shit that I make myself want to barf. Hey, wait a minute...I could lose a lot of weight by making myself blow chunks. Hmmmm...food for thought.

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again


I’m discovering that I can keep the big M downward spiral at bay when I’m at work and keeping myself completely occupied, mind and body. But as soon as I’m on the train on the way home, it creeps back in. For lack of any ability to truly describe the feeling, I’m calling it a cross between melancholy and ennui. And it really does permeate everything. I couldn’t even interest myself in more than a glance at my mystery man this evening, for example. Maybe things will get a little bit better if I finish the MFD draft this Friday and once my teaching observation is completed on Monday.

A girl can hope, anyway.

And you say, "Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean




Know what’s getting me through all this? My fucking awesome students. They make it all worthwhile. In the class in which I’ll be observed, I’ve let the students know about the observation, and they are full of questions about how they can help to make me shine for the observer. Can you believe it? They could easily act up just a little bit and make me look like a loser, but they can’t wait to make me look good.

In all my classes the majority of the students are about as cool as it gets. In the intro class, I mentioned to the students that I wanted to get some guest speakers who are social workers currently in the field to come and talk about their area of work and how they got into social work. One of the students knows a perfect speaker, and he approached me to see if it would be alright to speak to the social worker. I was thrilled that he was getting involved to that degree and gave him the green light, and now we have another totally awesome speaker coming in.

Damn, I am so fucking thankful that I found where I belong in the work world. And such great place at which to teach.

Ok, well, that and the root beer float I’m devouring at the moment. Let’s just hope I don’t barf it up later.

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way




(song, lyrics, Colin Hay; some interpret this as meaning death, others love…I interpret it as my life having been on hold, and now it’s beginning, and it’s incredible)
(all puns fully intended)
(photo mine, skyline drive virginia)

1 comment:

ladyk73 said...

I have been seeing Indigo myself....blue blue blue

Maybe it is a social work thing?