Tuesday, March 04, 2008

rhapsody in blue

Blue, blue, blue fucking blue



Why now, why now?

I've managed this big M so far without the fucking hormonal down-low mood swings, so why now?

What plagued me this weekend is still there today. I try so hard to pull myself out of it, I really am trying. But all I can do is lay on the damned sofa, throat all tight, tears in my eyes, and focus on everything that is bad, bad, bad in my life.

Every so often I get up and come to the computer and read a little bit, then I'm exhausted and it's back to the sofa. With food, food, and more food. Which isn't helping the struggle against extra pounds and only makes me feel even worse about myself.

And before anyone says hormone therapy, I can't take estrogen. It makes me quite ill, gives me severe paranoia and anxiety attacks. So I guess it's either shaky hands and paranoia, or can't-get-off-the-sofa depression. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground here.

And no work on the MFD again today. And it's due on Friday to the committee. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. There are no more excuses, no more extensions...it's do or die time. And right now I don't know which way I'm headed.

(photo mine, the elizabeth seton shrine in nyc from the staten island ferry; I feel like that teeny tiny little shrine, surrounded by insurmountable buildings)

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