Monday, November 05, 2007

what not to wear when your waist is size 14 and the rest of you is size 12

Because really, you know they just don't make clothes that are bigger in the waist and smaller in the hips. Except maternity clothes, that is. And I'm not goin' there.

I can buy trousers that fit my waist and I swim in them just below the tummy. Which only makes me look larger, really. Or that fit my hips, and then I can't get the waistband fastened. So I've gone and done a big Stacy and Clinton no-no: elastic waist pants. No sweats, or anything where the elastic shows, it's hidden elastic. But elastic nonetheless. I have them in about five colors. Like this:



And then, there are jackets. Those suit jackets that either nip in at the waist -- in which case I'd have to buy it so big that my shoulders would swim -- or fit like a box. So what do you do? Cardigans. Yep, you resort to this:



And when you stand in front of the mirror and suddenly realize that those toned upper arms are no longer toned, and in fact sag disgustingly, you buy sweaters and blouses with sleeves that go down to your elbows, so that when you turn your back to the class to write on the chalkboard, the bottom part of your upper arms don't sprout wings that flap in the breeze and threaten to fly you away:



And I've already mentioned the shoes. No more heels for work. Can't stand or walk in them 12 hours a day. So despite the fact that heels elongate my legs as Stacy and Clinton would say (unfortunately, my height is in my torso), and despite the fact that size 9W flats make my feet look like boats, these shoes are fast becoming my favorites:



With these inside, the shoes are actually very comfortable:



I even decided fuck hat hair, I'm not standing out there waiting for a train without a hat. So yesterday, I bought this (in the chocolate, of course, dahling):



Which, as you have no doubt figured out already, pretty much makes me a middle-aged, frumpy, schoolteacher. Not a bit of fashion sense left in me anymore. 'Cause it's all about comfort now. To which Stacy and Clinton would say, 'buy for your biggest part and then get them tailored,' and 'style can be comfortable.' To which I would reply, in the words of Tom Cruise, who I have always disliked, from that one movie: 'show me the money.'

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