Sunday, March 25, 2007

this time

She stood in front of the woman
Trembling nearly imperceptibly
Feeling the menace
Emanating from the woman
And knowing
That something was coming

She cowered before the woman
Afraid
Humiliated by her fear
Eyes on the ground

Look at me
Said the woman
I don’t want to look
I don’t want to look
I don’t want to look

Thought the girl

If she looked in the woman’s eyes
She would see it
The frustration
The anger
The malice
The cruelty
The disdain
And something that looked like hatred
She didn’t know what those meant
But she knew how it made her feel
And she didn’t want to see it
In the eyes of the woman she called mommy

She looked up at the woman
Who fixed her stare on the girl
And tortured
And manipulated
The girl
With her words
Until the girl would have admitted to anything
Or would have implicated a sibling
To avoid what was coming
The girl would feel something horrible inside
If she placed the blame on a brother
But she knew if a brother were standing where she was
She would be fair game to them as well

The woman would toy with the girl for a few moments
Like a predator toys with its prey
Letting it believe it might get away alive
And sometimes the girl did get away
Without pain
Because the woman knew
It would keep the hope of escape
Alive in the girl

But not this time
The question this time
And most times
Was if it would be over quickly
Or if it would be bad
When she was younger
It was hard to know
But after age seven or eight
When she had her glasses
She always knew
If the woman reached out
And removed her glasses
It was going to be bad
Really bad

As the woman reached down
And her hand came close
The girl flinched
But the woman didn’t strike her
Yet
She reached to the side of her face
Took the ear of the glasses
Pulled them off
And set them on the table

Now the girl couldn’t see clearly
And she knew
She knew
She felt that all too familiar
Panic
The blood rushing out of her head
Her stomach dropping to her knees
The fear that she just might
Pee her pants in utter terror
All converged together
She felt lightheaded
And wished she could just faint
And be done with it

Because now she knew
She would not get away
She could not give up a sibling
And it would be very bad
This time

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