Perhaps I wasn’t ambivalent at all, as I had posted on my bdsm blog. It seems I am just...tired. Exhausted may be a better word.
There is so much on my plate right now, and it doesn’t help when I let some of the more negative aspects of that other blogging place get to me. No no no no no fucking no!!!! It doesn’t fucking matter! It means nothing in the grander scheme of things. Why the fuck let the negative be any part of my life? It doesn’t fucking matter! *repeat as needed*
I mean, it isn’t like I don’t have more than enough going on right now. It’s the worst time of the year at work; I’m on the rollercoaster of not knowing if I have that teaching position, and waiting on pins and needles, if I can mix my metaphors; rugrat’s having problems with a teacher at school and it's come to the point of meetings with counselors; my menopausal hormones are taking me up and down and up and down, to the lowest lows I’ve ever known and didn't believe possible; and there's the ever present sleep apnea mucking things up royally.
What did I miss? Oh, yeah. The diss. The diss that no one will leave me alone about. Everyone I meet, it’s ‘how’s the diss going?’ My boss: how’s the diss going? My co-workers. The potential job senior vp. My diss committee. Even rugrat got into it with me the other day. She wanted to do something on a day I was studying. ‘It’s not like you’re working on it every single minute mom, you take lots of breaks.’ No shit, rugrat – you try working on a diss for 12 hours straight without regular breaks, and see if you’re still sane.
How is the diss coming along?
How the bloody hell is the motherfucking diss coming along?
Quite well, and thanks so much for asking – not!
And by the way, it shall henceforth be referred to as the
M F D
My exhaustion is compounded by a lack of vacation. Vacation...you know what that is, right? The time we have to relax, unwind, be selfish, do things for ourself. For the last three years, the term ‘vacation day’ has been synonymous with ‘study for comprehensive exams day’ and ‘MFD writing day.’
And yesterday was to be another ‘vacation day,’ aka ‘MFD writing day.’ And I was exhausted, hormonally depleted, overwhelmed, and letting the petty shit in here get to me. And I took a real vacation day. All for me, just for me, all by myself.
Haircut at Supercuts, 14$. Lost a couple of inches. Of hair, before anyone gets funny. Word of caution: don’t look in the mirrors at a beauty salon. You will see all the things you try so hard not to see in your mirror at home. The huge, deep purple circles under your eyes that makeup won’t cover, and that you think may never go away again. The skin sagging under your chin that could only be tightened by a procedure you could never afford.
Payless. Two pairs of shoes. A nice pair of open-toed heels for spring, and the cutest pair of flats I’ve seen. Purple. Like candy. Yes, they look like purple candy. Like sweet tarts. Or jelly bellies. I can only pull them off if everything else I wear is subdued and monochromatic, but it’ll be fun to try. Purple candy shoes, yummm.
Burlington Coat Factory. One handbag, in black. ‘Cause that’s all that will go with a pair of purple candy shoes.
Barnes and Noble. One SAT study guide for rugrat. Breakfast at Tiffany’s for me. Not the movie (I already have it) – the book, by Truman Capote. I’ve always wanted to read the book that one of my fav movies came from. Not that I’ll be able to read it anytime soon, but hey – at least I can say I have it, should I ever get the time to read again.
Best Buy. Where I found compilation CDs for about 6 bucks. Louis Armstrong, James Brown, Al Green, Boz Scaggs, Jefferson Starship. And I’ll go out on a limb and admit to Cheap Trick, the Monkees, and Bread. Monkees from my childhood, the other two from my late teens. I'm finding that the older I get, the more I retreat musically to things from my teens, and before my time. Tried to get the Pursuit of Happyness dvd, but it’s not out till the 27th.
So basically, I messed around all day. And I thought it would help relax me. And it did, in the midst of the fun. But now I am feeling all sorts of guilty about the MFD.
Y'all may not hear from me for a couple of days.
(title is a quote from Dorothy Parker)