Monday, April 17, 2006

525,600 minutes

How do you measure a year in the life?

With exploration, brief encounters, failed relationships, new friends, old friends, a dissertation proposal, weight loss, weight gain, epiphanies, insights, failures, successes.

I ordered Rent on pay per view. With Jesse L. Martin and Taye Diggs, candy for the eyes and they can belt out a song, too. Who knew? I haven't been able to afford the broadway version yet, but it's at the top of my list.

Broadway is something that awakens the savage beast. Just being there, let alone actually experiencing the show. It always brings a tear to my eye, it's so incredibly larger than life. Beyond beautiful.

Wonderful, quotables from this play/movie:

How do you document real life, when real life's getting more like fiction each day?

One song to redeem this empty life...

There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, all life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today.

I find some of what you teach suspect, because I'm used to relying on intellect, but I try to open up to what I don't know.

Take me for what I am.

The mind churns, the heart yearns, the tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone.

Things to make you think, you know?

I'm feeling the loss of leaving the other place, just like I did before. And people are still judging me, now adding in the judgment of leaving instead of 'sticking it out,' or 'standing up for myself.' But the problem is, I lived with the constant verbal attacks all my life -- well, growing up anyway. I've blogged some about the physical. But not the verbal.

Unwarranted, undeserved, verbal attacks. Not good enough, name calling, belittling, derision. Nothing I said or did ever passed muster. You'd think I would've developed a very thick skin as a result. But no, it just cut more deeply each time, made me more vulnerable with each word. As soon as I could get away, I did.

And as an adult, I've made the decision to walk away from any situation in which verbal abuse is an issue, no matter what. I just can't take it like others can. And that weakness brings on ever more abuse: get a life, it's just the internet, grow thicker skin, wimpy, baby. But it is who I am.

I won't be growing a thicker skin, or dealing with it, or fighting back. I'll just keep walking away. It's the only way I've managed to stay sane as an adult, and it's the action/reaction I'll continue with. And I'll walk away from those who judge me for walking away, too.



photo

5 comments:

fellahere said...

I liked this one a lot: "The mind churns, the heart yearns, the tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone."

I haven't seen Rent yet, but soon. Spring, one of my all time favorites is All That Jazz, (the bob fosse story). Quite positive, as Fosse's health declines.

What you mention as a weakness, it's certainly not. I don't think so. I don't see it that way. It's simply walking on.

Smile and check out the sky.

Dean said...

I only know Jesse L. Martin from watching Law & Order...I had no idea he could sing. I guess he doesn't get to practice it much on L&O. Det. Fontana might look at him oddly.

I've never been to a Broadway show/musical. I've seen plays
(a few Shakespearian ones and Wait Until Dark)...that's as close as I've come.

As for the other place...I would as the "judges" a question..."stick it out" for what reason? When it stops being fun or informative or even mildly pleasurable...why keep on?

There's no end game to it...no "victory." Just a self perpeutuating cycle of screechiness that simmers then boils then simmers then boils over.

Two sayings come to mind when I think about a lot of people at that place: 1) A fanatic is someone who reboubles their effort when they've forgotten their aim and 2) Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

When it comes to dealing with the nonsense....You do what you have to do. I know that sounds simplistic...but I have a male brain and think simplistically.

Curious_2b_sub said...

If you looked back deep in my blog, my 7th post over here exactly... I had a whole Rent theme song thing going... it was my mantra for a while.

"No Day But Today....

There Is No Future
There Is No Past
Thank God This Moment's Not The Last
There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way

No Day But Today

***

There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

No Day But Today"

***

I think if you can remember that... you pretty much have all the answers you need.

Cala Lily said...

I just noticed you took down the picture of Billie and renamed the blog. You've turned a page indeed.

I don't know about things, about life, about what it all means. I know somethings get better and somethings get worse, and sometimes (though thankfully not often) they all get worse at once, and sometimes (though not often) they get better all at once, and it all just keeps rolling on.

I don't know who's judging you, but I know that their ideas about your life don't matter. Your ideas about your life do. I hate the idea of you being subjected to unwarranted, undeserved verbal attacks. It makes me want to spring to your defense, to save you. But I guess we all have to ultimately save ourselves, or choose not to.

There have been times when I've wanted to demand that someone treat me better, that I be afforded more respect, but I think sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away. Walk away into the sunlight of a new day and all the possibilities of a new beginning.

WistfulWench said...

I haven't seen Rent yet, but it's on my list! I agree with FH. All That Jazz is wonderful! (Of course, I also love A Chorus Line....)

As long as you are doing what is best for you, I'm behind you! Being over there can be very draining. I think you, like me, see the person on the other side of the monitor. It may be the internet, but it's still communicating with another. It is real. The person writing the words is real. There is absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to stay.