Monday, January 02, 2006

rock bottom

Been sick for a month. I could feel the asthma coming on, and the sinusitis. I kept ignoring it. Till Tuesday, when I also fell victim to the latest flu virus as well. Couldn’t take time off work, major reports due to the feds this week. And no one else to do them. Lucky me! Luckily, the doc has Saturday office hours.

Left home today just before noon. Three-quarter mile walk to the doc’s office, where I then sat for 2 hours as she was overbooked and late. In her office at 2:30, where she spent a whole 20 minutes with me. Blood pressure slightly elevated, 160/100. Been a problem in the past, so she checks my pulse at my ankles, then runs an EKG. It’s ok, which means the blood pressure and those heart palpitations I’ve been having aren’t physical, they’re mental. As in, anxiety attacks. Too much stress. You need to rest, de-stress, relax, she said. Yeah, right. You try living my life for 5 minutes, see how much you relax.

Leave her office with four prescriptions:

Azithromycin, for the sinus infection and ear infection
Albuterol inhaler, for the constricted bronchial tubes S
ingulair, for the asthma and the allergies that bring on the asthma
Deconsal, the only thing I’ve used in the last five years that has successfully de-congested my nasal/sinus cavities so that I can breathe at night and sleep undisturbed

Half-mile walk to the walgreen’s to fill the prescriptions. Not too bad, mostly downhill. Did I mention it’s about 35 degrees outside? Waited in line to leave prescriptions. They’ll be ready at 4:30. I look at the clock. It’s 3:30. Sigh. I go next door to the mickie d’s for a bite. It’s the first thing I’ve had to eat or drink all day. At 4, I go back to walgreen’s and wait. At 4:40, my name is finally called. Umm, sorry, but this prescription – the Deconsal – is on order. We’re completely out. It’ll be in Monday, you can pick it up then. I’m so fucking tired. I just look at her. But, I can’t come back Monday, I’m walking from H-----, I say. Whoa, says the pharmacist next to her. Yeah, whoa. Fucktard. What the fuck do you think people without cars do. We fucking walk. Get over it. I’m in NO fucking mood to laugh about it right now.

Can’t I pay for it now, and have it sent to my home? No, they don’t have any kind of delivery plan. I have to go back for it. That’s the one that’ll clear out my nose. So I can actually sleep. So, basically, I can wait till next Saturday and walk there in the afternoon, which means another work week of clogged sinuses and sleepless nights. Or I can get off the train at 7:15 pm Monday night, walk the 45 minutes to the store, then walk back home. On a work night. After the 2 mile round trip walk between work and the train station. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

I shouldn’t even be out here. Shouldn’t even have been at work this week. I can’t even put one foot in front of the other anymore. I’m just so FUCKING tired. I paid, and left. And as I walked out of the store…I actually CRIED. Just a coupla tears. But still. I’d say it was crying. And damn, the first tears I shed in forever, and they had to be in public. Fuck. No more tears after those first few, but for the first half of the three-quarter mile walk back home…now in the dark and in one spot by a cemetery,…I couldn’t hold in those little hiccup-y sobs. Couldn’t hold them in, because I have to breathe through my mouth cause my nose is clogged. If I can’t close my mouth, I can’t hold in hiccup-y sobs, now can I?!

My right heel is still hurting, sending shooting pains through my foot and up my leg. I twisted my left ankle cause there’re no fucking sidewalks anywhere and few streetlights, cause oh yeah, it’s a snooty, hoity toity town and everyone has a fucking car. We don’t need no stinkin’ sidewalks. Only losers walk around here. I got home at 5:45. Six hours, for one doctor appointment. That’s life without a car.

Limping, sobbing, shivering, sneezing, sniffing…yeah, life’s a fucking bowl of cherries. A fucking barrel of monkeys.

OK, stop the ride now, I want to get off.

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