Friday, June 24, 2005

how far is heaven?

Wednesday night on my way to meet a friend for dinner (one I haven't seen for 3 or 4 months), I was listening to my los lonely boys cd (I love a cd player that lets me replay a particular song over and over if I want). I've been very moody lately, up and down, and that's not like me, not at all.

I hit 45 on my last birthday, and that seems to be a time when people question where they are in life and where they want to go.

Well, anyway, although I'm not a spiritual person, this song really said what I was feeling.

Save me from this prison
Lord help me get away
Cause only you can save me now
From this misery
Cause I’ve been lost in my own place
And I’m getting’ weary
How far is heaven
And I know I need to change
My ways of livin’
How far is heaven, Lord can you tell me

Cause I’ve been locked up way too long
In this crazy world, how far is heaven
I just keep on prayin’ Lord
Just keep on livin’, how far is heaven
Lord can you tell me, how far is heaven
I just got to know how far, how far is heaven
Lord can you tell me Y

ou that's in a higher place
Send me down a blessing
Cause I know there’s a better place
Than this place I’m livin’, how far is heaven
And I just got to have some faith A
nd just keep on giving, how far is heaven
I just wanna know how far


I really have been 'lost in my own place,' and weary is a good word for what I feel sometimes. I think I'm just very overly tired, and need a break. But, vacations become time to do dissertation work, or spring clean the house, etcetera-etcetera-etcetera- (as Yul Brynner says in the King and I!) so I never really get any time to rest. In my adult life, I've had exactly 15 days all by myself, without kids, work, school, housework, or anything else intruding. Five when I was 28 and friends watched my son; five when I finished grad school when I was 35 and a good friend watched the kids; and five more when we scraped up the $ for my daughter to go to volleyball camp last summer. So in a way, I have been 'locked up way too long in this crazy world.' Sometimes I just feel so bone-weary, I think I could sleep for a couple of weeks without waking. But instead, 99% of the time, I put a smile on my face and go on with life. Man, I gotta snap out of this funk I'm in.

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